Over the last year, I got out of a 5 year relationship (he got “custody” of one dog and I got custody of the other– so I also lost a dog), got back into the dating game, found a wonderful man who completely swept me off my feet unexpectedly, got to know his amazing kids, and moved out of the county and city I’ve lived in since I was young. It’s been intense to say the least.
I’ve learned a TON about myself here lately. I realized how truly strong I am and what I am really capable of. I learned that I have to make my own decisions and not worry about what others think about me (i.e. moving out of my hometown).
I also discovered my worth. It took a very long and difficult relationship to make me realize it, but I finally decided I am worth more than fighting and crying all the time, being lied to, and being manipulated. I realized I don’t always have to apologize when I didn’t do anything. I have a habit of saying sorry no matter what; I hate feeling like someone is mad at me. I think in a sense saying sorry is a comfort for me, even when I actually did nothing wrong. I spent way too much time apologizing for things that weren’t my fault in my last relationship.
I have learned what love really is. Love is not nitpicking the person you love to death. Love is not feeling the need to snoop, go through your significant others’ (SO) phones, etc. because you have been lied to so many times. Love is not dreading spending extended amounts of time with your SO. Love is not the feeling of anxiety when you think about your relationship.
Let me tell you what love is…
Love is feeling completely safe with the person you are with– like you can be yourself and not anxious. Love is trusting the person you are with regardless of their past mistakes or yours. Love is finding something you cherish about the person even when you’re having a bad day or they are. No, you may not love every habit your SO has (and they probably don’t love yours), but you should be able to find something in every day that you love about them. Love is enjoying every second you get with them, even if it’s just laying on the couch binge-watching Weeds episodes. Love is also learning to trust someone fully, regardless of how you were hurt in the past.
For me, love is a uncontrollable urge to make my SO smile and the uncontrollable smile I have around him that makes my whole day better.
Always remember, especially on particularly tough days:
It may not have been meant to last, but it was meant to happen, and I am a better person because of it.